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REALLY BADLY WANT THIS SONG! [03 Mar 2005|03:00pm]
Does anyone know the song playing in the boss soul aftershave advert?
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*TALK HARD* [12 Sep 2004|10:45pm]
Where all in the dark, where all alone, we all want to be heard. If we didnt then why would we spill our guts out on live journal. We all need somebody to listen.

Yeah I just watch *pump up the volume* cause im having a christian slater day. And you know what even though its a film, its true what he said. Why do i watch films now and see a deeper darker side of everything. Is it cause I understand now.

Life is one whole fucked up place. but why are we all fucked up in one way or another, cause of the people around us that dont know us, only see what they think they see, we are all scared to show who we really are. Do you think anyone really knows who we are? do you really let anyone see the real you.

Told you films get to me.

Noone really knows me, step inside my bedroom and your see the darker side of me, its the heart of me. the only ones that know me are people that I trust, care about. But still they dont see the real me. Im afraid just like all of you. But why the fuck should we be afarid to talk, its free speach.

I bet if you sat and watched this film right now you would totally understand where he came from and where i am now coming from. We are all running away from something. You think just cause you dont open up as much as others it makes you a different person, well your not. Deep down inside we are all the same. we all need something.

Why would we all be here if we wasnt, we all want the same thing, to be happy right, who wouldnt want to be happy. And dont tell me your all happy cause its bollox and you know it. If we were happy if we all had the lives we wanted, why would we be here in the first place. We wouldnt, we wouldnt need this place to come to. we would be out living the life we wanted.

we wouldnt be making friends online instead of making them in real life only.

Yeah some of us have most of what we want but there is always something missing. Noone in this world has everything. Money cant buy happiness. And you cant change the way people judge you or talk about you or feel about you or except you. We cant change the world around us not really. And they say if you cant change the world then change who you are. Well thats bollox too, you can dye your hair, change the colthes you wear, change your attitude. but underneath your always be the same. Its a mask, it cant kind whats inside. just the outside. Yeah you can lie, you can put on this great act, you can be as fake as you want to be to be apart of this world. But no matter what you say or do you was born one way and one way only to be you. So why should you hide it.

I come here for a reason and one reason only, to be heard, for people to actually read and listen to what im saying, NOONE fucking listens to me really in real life, noone really cares. My family dont even know who I am. And people dont even give me a chance to really be who I want to be. Im scared that if i gave them an inch they would run away, and some have seen parts of me and run, can you imagine if they saw all of who i am.

I might get slaged off here sometimes but its still feed back its still someone talking back someone that has actually read what im writing. Im sick of hiding im sick of being afraid. But if I really became the person i am id probably be arrested lol Sometimes i want to do really crazy things, i really do. and parts of that person is starting to slowly come out.

parts of me want to scream so loud and keep on screaming untill i loose my voice. part of me wants to come into work and say you know what FUCK YOU! and then just walk. parts of me want to get on train and go where ever that train takes me.

You know what I really hate, all this poiltics and legal crap! Thats why I hate watching the news. All this fucking power crap, why does there have to be presidents and poletions id love to make a stand, you know with a huge great big sign saying we dont need you. I loved one of the beatles songs *ALL WE NEED IS LOVE* I really think I should have been around in the sixties. I want to run away, I want to say fuck it to everything.

I really believe that people are afraid of there own shadow at times and anyone that is different from them, but deep down there just as hidden, everyone is holding back, everyone is stopping themselves to really open up to the world. WHY! its simple cause people will think we are insane. Im not insane i just want to be free to do and write what i want without being fucked over and judge for it. But we dont live in that kind of world.

I really wish there was someone like Happy harry hard on, we can all be like him, but instead of hiding come out, like he did at the end. What is it we are all afraid of really. Why cant we all be excepted.

This is the world i want to live in and this is the closest im ever going to get to it. Thats the real reason im here.


now im thinking i might get comments saying you watch to many movies, you need to go see a shrink. Well thats ok, im ok with that. its more than id get in real life. If we wasnt alone we wouldnt be here searching for for answers for someone to like us except us know ius want us need us love us.

Most people i know on here have met people they are now with from here. WHY? Why do we do this? Why not find someone where we live. CAUSE we are all looking for the same thing, and we cant find it in real life so we find it on the net, Thats becomes real life cause we go and meet them. But are we the same then as we were on the net. Or do you hide more with that person than you did before you met.

I have met women and men from here and everyone was amazing in there own way. Some i still talk too others have dissaperad from the face of the earth. The people that leave are afraid, maybe i showed too much of myself to fast. Or maybe they saw too much of themselves in me.

Sometimes we look for the total opersit sometimes we look for people that are the same, but we are all looking. How easy is it to go and talk to someone thease days, how easy is it to make friends. Its not easy its fucking hard.

Why do we want to tell the world our lives, cause deep down we really want people to know us. Just some wont admit to it.

I want to be a singer and song writer and an actress but im too scared cause im scared of reality. Im scared to be judged by the world. So i write here. If I wasnt scared i would have done it years ago. Now if the world was a nicer place then yeah id go for it alright but the truth is it isnt its a fucking evil twisted place. the people that do come out our the brave ones. So maybe just maybe i am one of thoes people today. But only here.

Once when i was in town i really wanted to go into a shop and pick up lots of clothes and walk out. WHY? cause i want to be noticed. We are here for attention. We dont get it anywhere else. not really. Yeah we might have friends back home, so why look else where for everything.

You all know what im eriting is the truth, just the fact is who here today is going to admit to it. ARE YOU? I just have.

I wont judge you, ill believe in you more. Not everyone wants to come out of the dark, but we all need a light on to see our way through it. Is this the dark or the light you tell me. God this film really got to me didnt it. lol

maybe im trying to be like happy harry hard on but a female version. happy harriet cant think of another H word lol

Sometimes i really dont know what id do without you guys, i say my daughter keeps me alive but you know what so do you. And i think i know why i cant stop coming here, cause all the people that i care about are here. So going to other places is fine but your not all there so i come here again and again.

I dont even think i want to leave this place. ever. :'(

cause your all apart of my life too.

And i love you guys.

thanx for being there for me listening to me reading what i write. Ill never ever forget it. or you.

Please reply... with what ever you feel, I know i dont know who you really are. so i now aploguise for anything i may have said that got to you. But then you have to think to yourself if it got to you then why?

You know today i have done nothing, not even had a bath or cleaned the house, i have just stayed in my pj's cause basically there is no reason to do anything.

WE ARE ALL ALONE thats why we come here.

Sometimes when your in a room full of people. lets say a party or a club or bar or a family get together. Do you at one moment stop and think youtr alone. maybe its all in my head right, maybe its just me that thinks and feels this way. IS IT JUST ME?

Lets all become real friends, lets all start telling the truth. lets all start being who we really want to be.

FREE! dont you just love that word, free, freedom. Or maybe we are too free. isnt free another way of saying we are alone. God i cant stop talking bollox lol

I think this is probably the most you guys will see of me. the inside of me anyways. Im not going to run anymore. If anyone hear cant handle the way i truely open up and say what i feel im sorry i really am. But your the one who is afraid not me.

Wow now i find that parts of me are not afrid as i thought i was and braver than i thought i was. See you guys have helped me without even knowing it. You guys have made me stronger by me saying what i am saying now.

Im basically saying the same shit over and over again just wording it differently, but its the same deep down.

Im signing off now.



or julie

well thats my real name, why do i hate my real name so much, is it cause i hate who i am, and if so why? is it cause the person julie is isnt who i want to be so i become jewelz the person i want to be.

We all use usernames why? why cant we use our real names?
cause we are hiding yet again. GOD the whole fucking net is filled up with people hiding. We are all hiding behind this fucking screen. Than god for web cam :D thats what I say.

ok one more thing, some people tell me to get off the net and get a life, yeah i totally agree.

BUT WHO HERE CAN DO THE SAME, CAN YOU LEAVE THE NET TOTALLY? IM GUESSING NO! WHY? I have already told you my reason for not leaving. CAN YOU?
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[20 Aug 2004|10:18am]
Spread the word pms_pnd_help Meet A Mum
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[09 Feb 2004|12:14pm]
Going to use this journal, as my dead journal :P
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JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! [02 Nov 2003|08:13pm]
Look Im asking nicely ok

Can this please stop

Can you sam/sair please stop this pettyness ... bitchyness ...towards me ... Just leave me alone ... cant you find anything better than to keep slagging me off ... and putting me down ... Im sure your life is far more interesting than to actually find time to mock me.

And sam You sent me a cd of sonara ... thats why I started liking them ... that wasnt long after you first met them

and Yes I know I put on my trick or treat name ... dressed up as bulley from hell ... but quite frankly you are acting like one ... and you have clearly demonstrated that you are on here ... to me anyway ... and you put down that you dressed up as a desperate slut ... thats why I did it ... so I guess I was just as bad as you then ...

But Its all pathetic ... its getting old ... and sam you and me are getting to old for this crap ...

How would you feel if your jess started getting bullied at school ... You would hate it right ... Just like I hope abs doesnt get bullied when she starts school either :(

All my life I have been bullied ... I didnt come here to get bullied all over again ... I come here to exspress myself ...air my veiws and problems ... meet ppl that actully are nice to me and want to be my friends ... and have a laugh ... I dont comment on how you look/dress ... but I do comment on your attitued ... cause thats the only nasty thing about you ... You dont have to be that way ... Ok you have been hurt in the past ... we all have one way or another ... you had to look after your sister ... and go through alot ... and be like a mother and father not only to yourself but your sister and jess ... and I can see that something like that would make you tough inside and out ... but I have seen you get hurt upset ... face to face ... and you even said to me half of it is an act ... to protect yourself ... thats all you know ... and its cause of all the shit you have been through ...

But you are happy now ... you are doing really well ... you have finally met a nice guy who loves you and jess and respects you and jess and takes care of you and jess ... and everything you have ... you have made it all happen ... and work really hard to get there ... Im happy for you and proud of you ...

But why hurt me in this way ... I never hurt you like any of them ... this is what I cant understand ... Why hate me ...

We have so much in common ... your fella left you mine didnt want me so i left we both have a girl ... when we first met you was such a nice person ... I trusted you so much and cared for you so much ... and loved you like a sister ...

we actually became best friends once ... which I find hard to believe now ... I found the very frist letter and cd you send me ... saying ... to my bestest friend darkangel and you got me a best of friends bear ... I dont know if you ever really ment that or not ... was that real ... or was that just an act

Come off it we are 30 for fucksake ... when is this gonna stop ... really im flatterd my name is still hot topic and all ... but dont you think its time to move on ... stop this crap ... and by moving on ... I dont mean finding another victim ... I mean why be this way anyways ... Why cant you just be nice ...

I thought jesses costume was really cool btw

and it was me who posted not steve ...

Its all getting very very boring
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE [01 Nov 2003|03:47am]







i didnt do fuck all 4 halloween :(

Im gonna sat tho :)

Have a party 4 abs and ryan with jules :)

all i did here was light fuck loads of fucking candles everywhere

and watch fucking scary films

and talk of here 4 fucking ages

and waves and winks 2 kitty kat :)hehehe

and I have 2 get up @ fucking 7am work >.<

as u might guess im fucking fucked off with a capital F

cause nick took abs :(

was gonna have her all weekend apart fom when i go 2 work ... jules was gonna look after hr and pick me up from work later ... this is the most fucking shitty halloween of my life ... first time i didnt dress up :( and i wont be sat either ... Nick fucking forgot my vampire outfit complete with whip ... ok it was a mistress/vampire outfit :P





I be fine i think sat ... just gonna drink fuck loads of red bull ... if it hadnt been 4 the old vamp films ... i think i would have just stayed in bed all fucking night

a very fucked off

me @.@

oh b4 i go


its not finished yet

but its a start

and no i didnt steal that icon b4 neone ask ... i found it on look its me :P ... so actually i did steal it ... just not from the peron u r thinking of :P

actually i stole all the things from looks it me and all over the place muwhahahahahahahaha

wants 2 steal dans icon of spike sooooooooooooooooooooo badly ...

can i have it please

oh please


pretty please with whipped cream and cherries

ill put down that u made it :)
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[30 Oct 2003|08:29pm]
2day has been both tiring and chilling ... taking things easy but @ the same time cleaning up the place and doing a washing and just getting ready 4 friday evening ...

cant wait 4 halloween ;) I will be thinking of u kitty babes :D

eekk just got knocks on my window and when i looked noone there muwhahahahahaha spooky

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM @ corn on the cob with chips 4 dinner ... was so yummy ... cant wait 2 get paid so i can do a shop ... i literally have half a loaf a bread left eggs ... which im not touching right now my tummy still feels delicate >.< ... half a pint of milk some butter and some ham >.< and 2 bottles salad cream ... and some honey and brandstan pickle

then in my cupboard i have pasta tomatoe sause and about 4 tins of beans ... thats it ... oh and my freazer is pretty empty 2 ... chips and veg burgers ... like i said i need 2 do a big food shop :)

sent nick an email 2day ... saying im keeping abs this weekend ... jules is gonna have abs stay with her so i can still go 2 work :) ...

lucy text me 2day :) seems like all the old graveyard ppl have got back in contact with me :) so i have made up another community ... its still very new ... but so many graveyard ppl have ask about it opening again ... and its a lovely place 2 go where u can be yourself and noone judges u 4 it :)

so yeah buffy ... omg its just gets better and better ... and he sure looks good in blue ... abs is so sweet ... she likes him so much ...

she says 2 me mummy spike isnt well is he ... aww i want 2 take care of him ... she is so grown up @ times bless ... i love her soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

and she copies things i say ... like i say god he looks good in blue ... and she says ... Mummy he is in blue again ... u like him in blue ... hehehehehe

I cant bare seeing him in pain in touture in this insane state ... i feel so sorry 4 him ...

I feel 4 alot of ppl going through simular situations ... in there own self pain ... maybe i see myself in him @ times ... Just want my friends 2 be happy ... and 4 me 2 be happy

as talking 2 jules last night ... me and her are the same ... not being able 2 find a medium ... we r either really happy or sad ... not a middle ground ...

i think thats y when something is going so well im so over the moon about everything i take it so seriously and embrace it with everything i am and have 2 give back

then when it all comes crashing down @ my feet ... i cant take it ... i get confused hurt beaten up inside ... lost ... i believe it cant be happening ... its all just a nightmare ... i cant handle it ... and it takes ages 4 me 2 get over things ... meaning men i guess ...

maybe that why i get all clingy 2 ... im scared this one will escape 2 ... run off 2 ... y cant he just stay ...

starting 2 think maybe im ment 2 be alone

well kinda getting use 2 it now ne how ... so much im turning down meeting ppl

ok i have the speed dating thing soon ... but thats it ... like im really gonna meet a guy there ... omg i bet there all my age >.< or older ... i hope jules went 4 20 2 26 :D ... cant see that happening tho ... as she likes the older men >.< sorry but they do nothing 4 me what so ever :P


speaking of older men ... jay has emailed me
hahahaha he wants 2 see me ... like i dont think so

and im so over davey

im just gonna lust over spike ;)

all my love and hugs 2 all my friends

and 2 my sleeping angel

yay kitty u are on line

waves 2 kitty :)
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[30 Oct 2003|08:07pm]
My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
Darkz_Secertz goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Bulling Bitch From Hell .
tarnishedda gives you 1 teal banana-flavoured jelly beans.
alixhyr gives you 4 tan banana-flavoured nuggets.
jedthehumanoid tricks you! You get a broken toy car.
zahrimsthoughts tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
imissnewwave gives you 12 dark blue raspberry-flavoured wafers.
toothpickofdoom gives you 2 red apple-flavoured gummy bears.
dutch_angel gives you 1 red watermelon-flavoured gummy fruits.
breakonthrough7 tricks you! You lose 16 pieces of candy!
divamatrix tricks you! You get a dead frog.
sexysatanchick tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
Darkz_Secertz ends up with 2 pieces of candy, a broken toy car, and a dead frog.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.
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Not A Well Bunnie :( [29 Oct 2003|05:52pm]
Oh god ... I was up all night and early this morning doubling up in pain with stomache cramps ... and being sick :(

cant wait 4 buffy and yet more hunk some spikey ... im sure ill feel better afterwards ;)

hehehe @ webcam fun last night...and no not that kind ... sheesh ppls minds :P I was well shy *blush*

couldnt stop giggling ... ended up seeing a few ppl that night and them seeing me

spoke 2 sobia 2day ... she isnt well she has broncitious :( omg i hope she gets better soon ... sending angel and fairy love 2 u babes ...

still cant believe we got back intouch all cause of my new account ... we r gonna meet up as soon as she gets better ... god i wish i stayed on doing the second part of my crystal course ... with her awwwwwwwwww she said we r soul sisters

she is a beautiful women inside and out ... we connected as soon as we met ... we were like kindered spirits :)

hehe she is broody bless ;)

oh god i still feel ill :( hurry up buffy and spike ;)
oooooooooooooooooooo its gonna be on in a mo :) hehehehehe

hehe me and jules r off out on the 15th ... speed dating hehehehe ... Out comes my little black dress ;)

well should be fun ... gonna cost 15 pounds tho ... but hey if it means me meeting the man of my dreams ... im sure it will be worth it ... yeah right ... like thats gonna happen lol

well considering spike/aka james marsters is mine ... erm nope ... omg sobia was gonna go see gotr ... we r gonna go 2gether when there back touring ... she said she loves going 2 gigs ... so she might come with me and jules 2 s MHC ...

brb buffy ;)

woooooooooohoooooooooooooo yay omg yay


well just finished watching buffy ... OMG @ spike awwwwww dont u wanna just hug him ... wow he is an amazing actor ... Im so loveing the new series :D ... i missed most of it ... got up 2 when faith comes back ... so all this is new 2 me :D

God spike looks good in blue ;)

I can so relate 2 spike ... what he did ... y he did it ... but u cant make someone love u ... can u ... u cant even make someone like u ... but yeah i get the whole spark thing :( drives u insane :(

god You gotta love him ;)knows i do ;)well lust hehehehe

cant wait 4 tomorrow night ;)
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WOW! [28 Oct 2003|07:43pm]
Oh Yeah Buffy is back :D

and wow so is spike ;) ... god i have missed him ;)

I have seen most of the last series but not all ... and certainly not the begining ... Im so happy ... this is just what I need 2 cheer me up ... and totally lust over spike ... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO @ his rough look ;) god how does he managed 2 look that good even when he is not a well bunny ;)

Oh yes From here on end ill have spike 2 keep me company on thoes cold winter nights ... oh yeah baby hehehehehe

and yay nice 2 see dru make an appearence

hallo my spike step in to the dark with me ...

yes i am a happy bunnie ... roll on wednesday and thursday then halloween ... its all good :)
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Im Happy 4 her Just Im gonna miss her :( [27 Oct 2003|10:51pm]
Ok alot has been going on in my life lately ...
2 fucking much ...

spoke 2 davey on the phone ... well wont be doing that ever again ... my own fault really ... just funny that im the one saying sorry 4 him fucking me over lol

me and nick had a huge fight ... thinks nick is actually gonna marry jo now ... plus he seen his solicitor and now im waiting 4 that letter ... plus he said he still wants 2 surport me even after the devorce ... what part of no does he not understand


erm jules got upset over me going 2 meet a guy on the net but i have changed my mind ... im not ready

its only cause she cares about me ... we r fine tho ... we r gonna have a party 4 abs and ryan on halloween :)

i had my second day @ work ... god it was hard work ... i did everything ... i was shattered ... jules picked me up @ 7pm i had a bath got ready ... then we went on a pub crawl ... last pub totally fucked up our evening ... this creep was all over us ... gave us the creeps 2 ... so we ended up leaving ... and getting a curry ...

and now i have just found out my sister wants 2 work abroad :( and will be going in the next 2 to 3 months ... she wants 2 do ... Conservation Work

like ... MEXICO - Patrolling beaches to protect turtle eggs.
FINLAND - Helping to provide winter foods for reindeer.

and there r tons of other things 2 do and places 2 work ...

i love her dearly ... and i want her 2 do this ... if this is what she wants 2 do ... just im gonna miss her so much ... some ppl go 4 a year ... others go 4 a month ... im in total shock ... i think its amazing tho ... god i love 2 just get up and go and do something like that ... but i have responsbilities ... so I cant

i wish her the best of luck ... and want what she wants ... just im gonna miss her so much :(
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Your to big to fit in here * points 2 mouth* [24 Oct 2003|11:09pm]
OH MY COCK just seen the funiest film ever! ...


I want 2 watch it again ... and again and again ... again and again and again and again ... and maybe just maybe me again :P

neways jules comes over 8.30 we drop abs and ryan off @ school and nursery ... and go in 2 town ... get an egg mc muffin mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm with a captial M and a coffee each :)... and a little neo toy 4 abs ...

we go in 2 mother care and i buy abs hat scaft and gloves and jules buys ryan a set 2 :) ... then off 2 a boot shop and me and jules are having a laugh trying on thease winkle pickers hehehehe ... jules bought thease funky boots tho ... then from there we went and bought halloween stuff 4 the kiddies cause we r having a party friday :) ... then from there we went river island bought nothing :D happy 2 say ... then from there my fav shop TKMAX and i bought and jules bought the best tops ever ... mines well rock chick punky top with chains and hers is just class :D ... then from there she was just ment 2 get her hair done and i was gonna go back home ... but i ended up staying a while ... which ended up me getting my hair done ... HOLLY SHIT BATMAN ... Its the shortest ever >.< AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

had it done @ paul mitchles ... Jules paid 4 me :D hers looks lovely 2 ...

OMG got chatted up by a 17 year old ... who i thought was 22 ... god they dont make boys the way they use 2 ... he said i looked 22 ... then after i had my hair done said i look even younger ... he was well punky looking and tall! very Tall ... he wash my hair ... OH MY COCK the hair dresser was only trying 2 get me and him 2 go on a date ... I mean come on he is like 17 >.< @.@ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I swear if he had said 20 21 22 i would have believed him ... shit scary stuff ... Maybe I should start asking 4 ID lol

so then after hair we pick the kids up and go back 2 jules 4 dinner :) ... later she drops me off cause of abs has 2 go stay with her father ... then I jumped in the bath got all my stuff ready 4 work sat and watched

*The sweetest thing* ... is where i first came in hehe

OH MY COCK @ penis song on that film

Your to big to fit in here * points 2 mouth* 2 big 2 fit in here points 2 erm that private place ... 2 big 2 fit in here ... OH MY COCK points 2 back of private place ... tho her mate just yept calling her a pussy ... omg sooooooooooooo funny!

so sat i think jules is staying @ mine nd we are gonna go 2 the pub and get stoned again ... sunday i think ill rest!


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stolen from kitty kat :) [22 Oct 2003|02:09am]
I AM: me and noone else
I WANT: something i cant have
I HAVE: A secret
I WISH: That people could see me for what i truely am
I HATE: war or fighting
I MISS: Being huged
I FEAR: fear itself
I HEAR: The words i long 2 speak
I SEARCH: For what is only in my head
I WONDER: why things happen for reasons
I LOVE: my daughter
I ACHE: When Im hurting
I ALWAYS: wish for my dreams
I AM NOT: a bitch
I DANCE: cause it makes me feel alive
I SING: 2 show my real feelings
I CRY: Because i feel better afterwards
I WRITE: cause it my way of expressing myself
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: To be happy and loved
I SHOULD: be more confident and believe in myself more
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[21 Oct 2003|10:27am]

jedthehumanoid 98%

zahrimsthoughts 91%

silver 86%

2ndcgw 84%

tarnishedda 84%

toothpickofdoom 81%

andreas_dreams 74%

How compatible with me are YOU?

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BABY CONGRATS :D [20 Oct 2003|04:46pm]
Well what can I say about nemo ... it's the cutest disney this year :) was really surprised how good it was ... was laughing and getting emo ... very clever :)

abs was so adorable ... she kept saying kinda one liners all the time ... ppl in the cinema were cracking up ... jules wasnt a well bunnie but and ryan was really good ... so was abs ... just she kept making her point ... like when something happend that was big she would comment bless ... just loud enough so everyone could hear her hehehe

all in all had a great evening out with jules the kids and had lots of munchy food ... and the kids were happy which is the most important thing ... Im so buying finding nemo on dvd when it comes out :D

2day me and abs had an old video day ... with a carpet picnic ... we have watch

girls just want 2 have fun ...

omg i so enjoyed it ... abs was dancing away ... said she wants 2 be a dancer lol bless ... and the guy in it wasnt 2 bad either ;)

after that we watch weird science ... ok who here remembers that ;)knows all the guys must do :P as in the gorgeous babe in it ... kelly something ... cant remember her name ... but she was in women in red 2 ;)

well omg i have never laughed so much in my life ... talk about bring back memories :D

just had a chat with paula my next door neighbour :D awwwwwwww she is expecting a baby ... she is 8 weeks :) she said she took that new pregnant test u can get now ... the digital one ... that actually says the word pregnant or not ... >.< i think that must be more scary hehehe ... am so happy 4 her ... awww soon abs will have another little baby 2 play with :)... she looked real well ... all rosey and bright eyed :D she is lovely ... aww bless ... jules wants another baby 2 ... seems like alot of ppl r walking around preggers or wanting a baby lately ... a few came in 2 my work on sat :)

god im stuffed ... eaten loads 2day ... no work in the week this week :( ... have 2 waut till sat :) ... lisa said next week i can work in the week 2 :) ... as soon as i get paid gonna buy abs her crimbo pressy ... so thats out of the way ... cant believe its nearlly here ...

OMG i have told nick I want 2 meet jo >.< ... well its real serious between him and her ... and id like 2 know exactly is looking after my daughter ... dont know whats happening yet ... he is gonna tell her what i said ... see what happends i guess ...

hugz 2 all

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OOOO IT WENT GOOD [19 Oct 2003|01:27pm]
well i went 2 bed early on friday night ... not early as planed but still very early >.< ... then i just couldnt sleep so i watch johonathon ross ... wow i love that show :D

then i went 2 bed ... still couldnt sleep ... think i stayed awake 4 about an hour b4 i finally went 2 sleep.

so woke up @ 6 got ready had breakfast ... took a slow walk there ... got in about quarter 2 9 ... and basically i was on the till 4 8 hours >.< ... my feet not 2 bad cause i got away with wearing my trainer shoes ... but my back ... shit i couldnt move ... i felt like i was pregnant again >.<

but all in all i loved it ... and everyone couldnt believe how happy i was ... im the oldest there my boss is 25 ... i got on like house on fore with everyone ... my confidence level has hit the roof there :D ... i feel respected ... its strange ... i get on well with my boss ... she even said would i like 2 work in the cash office >.< ... reling on me 2 take care of all there earnings >.< AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

i said ill give it a try ... she said she doesnt offer this job 2 just neone ... so i had a long think ... and found out it would just be me in this small lonely room ... HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

remind u of nething lol

so i said no ... i said the idea of me getting a job ... was 2 one get money 2 meet ppl 3 get out 4 interact with others ... 5 enjoy myself ... 6 get a life ...

so i have my own department ... womens wear ... shes offered me more work ... already 2 :D

so after work i stayed over jules we watch risky business omg that bough back memories hehehehehe ... all i remembered was the sex on the train ... use 2 think that was so erotic ... watching the film now ... was so tame hehehehehe bless ... but then i reccon i first saw that film when i was about 13 *blush*

we had curry tia maria and coke and weed :D then munchy food icecream chocolate and crisps hehehe

now im back home jules is @ her mums ... rang nick told him 2 drop abs off here @ 4.30 ... cause jules is getting here @ 5 and we r gonna take abs and ryan 2 see finding nemo :D

me and jules had the best chat we have ever had ... and i know we got stoned ... but i swear it was amazing ... i think me and her have come 2 a bridge in our lives ... where we can safely cross over 2 each others world now ... i love her 2 bits:D

friends 4 life

we had such a deep meaningful ... like we told eachother things we never told ppl b4 ... and expressed how we felt 4 eachother and how we use 2 feel ... i have never been so open with neone all my life ...

here u r 4ever hinding

talking about yourlife how u feel what u think being totally honest as if u were laying utterly naked b4 them ... looking in there eyes ... totally different life altogether

u cant hide ... eyes cant lie

well chatting 2 john 4 abit now ... he is lovely :D ... he is doing a gig shortly ... so im defo gonna go ... jules said she would drive ... thinks where he lives is really nice ... abit like where davey lives ... still got that old never been touch feeling ... un disturbed ... now thats what i love :D

neways im gonna go ... cant wait 2 se the film and my daughter ... feel like i have been away 4 a week >.<

think nick and jo have had a fall out lol

cause when i rang 2 ask 4 abs ... he went ... oh its u lol

so obvously he was exspecting someone else 2 ring ... didnt sound happy bunnie ... what do i care ... oh yeah ...


but actually i must do

cause i care about me now
2 care about me i have 2 care about him
cause 2 not care is 2 not care 4 me

ok getting heavy

basically its the old proverb

what u do 2 others u do on 2 yourself

if u hate u hate yourself
if u love u love yourself
if u judge u judge yourself
if u hurt someone u r only hurting yourself

u cant have one without the other

plus its a block

by not 4giving someone ... u r not forgiving yourself other words u cant move on with your life ... theres a block

2 unblock simply treat others the way u like 2 be treated

nobodys perfect right

but it makes sence

love light happy feelings 2 everyone

hope u r feeling better matt

hows that TLC going :D

ne sexy nurses ;)

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[17 Oct 2003|01:55am]

it looks so much fun :D

what a great way 2 express yourself and unwined :)

and i know how i want 2 dress ... omg i found this cool girl that does in on lj ... she is such a babe ... has the most cool cotumes she looks so much fun :D

bet there isnt even a cosplay here in england :(
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DELETION [12 Oct 2003|05:50pm]

well I didnt end up going 2 bed till gone 5am >.< due 2 me playing solitaire and mind sweep >.< so addictive

didnt get up till gone 1pm ... then jules rang so she came over ... things r really going well with her and scott :D im so happy 4 her ... just i dont want 2 see her get hurt ... i hope everything works out 4 them both :)

again she has so been there 4 me ... 2day i showed her this live journal and all the crap that has been going on in here and on msn messenger ... she was laughing her head off ...

she went on msn messenger with me ... she said she can kinda see how i can get in 2 it ...

but ppl obviously like 2 play games and manipulate others ... she said its very sad ...

she said its all bollox ...

said the best thing i can do is get rid of the computer ... instead of little petty ppl and things get 2 me all the time ...

she said u will know who your real friends r ... ones that stick by u no matter what ... and stick up 4 u ... and believe u ... and believe in you ... and dont put u down 2 make them selves better ...

the ones that r quick 2 judge and believe others over u ... were not your real friends 2 begin with ...

she said she would love 2 be apart of all this 4 a laugh ... cause thats all it is ... its one big fucking joke!

she said 2 stop reading other ppls lj ... im only tourturing myself ... and thats what ppl want ... just a rise out of me ... a reaction ...

she said delete this lj and find a new one ... so ppl cant leave nasty comments ... or contact u through there lj

and u can have a nice place 2 open up your feelings ... instead of getting abuse from writing what u need 2 ...

this is all good said and done ... but she dont understand ... that once u come here and u get hooked there is no turning back ... I wish 2 god i could turn the clocks back ... and never have gotten this computer ... cause all its done is hurt me ... and it changes who u are ... and u get mixed up in 2 all sorts of shit ... and @ the end of the day its all bullshit ...

this isnt real ... noone can really hurt me here ... so y do i let it get 2 me so much ... cause i care ... thats all i can think of ... and because alot of ppl r real 2 me ... but i wouldnt want this 2 happen in real life ... and i wouldnt let it happen ... so y i do on the net ... i have no idea ...

im not leaving ... but i am going 2 delete this lj and my darkangel account as soon as can ... and im going 2 get a new one ... and start all over again ... I guess then ill know who r my real friends or not ...

@least then things cant get 2 me ... i dont think its healthy that ppl and things get 2 me ... i just wanted 2 come here make some friends ... meet some cool ppl ... be happy ... have a chat a laugh ...

didnt think it would invole ... shit stiring ... bulling ... cuting and pasteing ... abuse ... me getting upset ... oh and heart brake ... yeah Thats another thing i have 2 stop ... tho its not something i can i guess it just happends ... emotions r funny things ... but i can stop me getting 2 close 2 ppl ...

i know im not perfect either ... and i hate the person i have been in the past ... and i know i have hurt ppl 2 ...

but theres a bitch and theres a bitch ... sometimes its easier 2 walk away ... and thats what im doing

Oh well im sure alot of ppl wouldnt even care what happend 2 me ...

well care or not ... i just cant do this 2 myself no more



if u want me 2 add u 2 my new account let me know ... ill still be on my old untill my new one is sorted :D




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OH THE JOY! [11 Oct 2003|01:55am]
I thought i had blocked and deleted megs ... seems tho i had just deleted ... cause after watching the others i get a threat on my msn from her ...

[00:51:50] (R) ~* megs : u fucking dare go to the basingstoke gig i
will not be happy at all...aint u relised no ones replied
to ur post cause they dont fucking like uuuuuuuuuuuuu fuck
[00:54:35] * cant take my mind off of you ... untill i find somebody
new is now Online

y do ppl have 2 be so crule :(

neways ... i have ask a few ppl and they said thats not true ... i wish ppl could just be honest with me ...

instead i get threats ... and ppl being nasty 2 me

y the fuck i hang around here half the time i have no idea ... god even the real world hasnt been as crule 2 me as much as the net ... lately ... but im not going 2 let it get 2 me ...

ill guess ill know sooner or later
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Home Alone [10 Oct 2003|11:07pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]

well its friday night ... and im drunk ... not as drunk as i was tho hehehe ... i went round the shops ... got me some rose wine a chocolate bar thease fucking gorgeous sweet chiili crisps and thease long green lickquish jellies ... cigies ...

i spoke 2 john on msn and we both went on web cam ... he was drinking 2 hahahaha ... then he rang me ... then i rang him ... he is a cool mate ... nothing more than that :P ... he comes from B'ham ... nice accent ... y is it lately alot of ppl i know come from there ... must be a popular place ...

oh well not alot of ppl online or talking 2 me 4 that matter ... hmmm

jules rang me ... she was drunk 2 ... we r going out sat 4 drinks ... so i guess more drunkeness lol

alan got in contact with jules ... he wants us all 2 go out again ... oh dear god ...

found out the music guys name ... its john ... i seem 2 know alot of johns lately lol

well im bored as hell and getting sober now ... going 2 even fall 2 sleep or go watch a scary movie ... is others scary ... causer thats all i have ... that i havnt seen yet




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